Pain, Love & Ohana
by Bard15
Summary: Epi tag to Chin's prison episode. Just a little stream of conscious thought from the rest of the team on the helicopter ride to the hospital. I had planned on it just being a little one shot...but the ideas just kept coming...
1. Chapter 1

"**Pain, Love & Ohana"**

**Hawaii 5-0 Epi tag**

a/n: yah, finally a Chin episode and quite a clever one at that...and some insight into how he's dealing with Malia's death...just hope it doesn't degenerate into a sappy pairing between him and that _**weakly **_portrayed prison nurse...anyway, although it was a good episode, I felt like it was missing something...it was just so fast paced...it started and it was over...so, I am gonna fill in the blanks...

a/n: couldn't remember the nurses name so I just pulled something off the top of my head...she's a throw away character anyway...at least I hope we never see her again...

**...Hawaii 5-0...**

As the copter headed towards the hospital, the team watched as Chin finally lost his battle for consciousness, each one with a jumble of thoughts and feelings fighting for dominance...

"...it was close...too close...Chin had already been beaten and stabbed by the time they had finally arrived...a few minutes later..."

"...if it hadn't been for Chin's therapist they would still be unaware of Chin's plight...and would they have even found out or would the prisoners have actually have been able to cover up the murder and dispose of Chin's body...his team none the wiser..."

"...how much more could the man take...his wife dead...and the man who killed her, and nearly killed Kono, seemed to have a plethora of people willing to exact revenge for his death at Chin's hand..."

_**Steve-**_

Steve spared another glance at his injured friend, before his eyes flickered briefly to Kono and then over to Danny.

He saw shock in Kono's eyes...her mind still not quite wrapping around the sight of her cousin bleeding out in front of her; in Danny's eyes he saw more clarity...which in Steve's mind wasn't much better...because with the clarity of the events of the last twelve hours comes the fears and what ifs...and Steve saw the unmasked worry in Danny's eyes as he looked down at Chin.

One thing Steve McGarrett did know was that it _**was not**___going to happen again...he had failed his friend to many times already; and it wasn't happening again, if he had to flag every last member of the Delano family...no one was getting to Chin or anyone else on his team like this again. He was of a mind to go over Chin's entire fifteen year arrest record and make sure that every one of them were securely locked up...

He couldn't help but wonder at what Chin had gone through over the past day...the gut-wrenching fear he must have felt upon realizing he was trapped inside a prison with dozens, maybe hundreds, of men he had put there, the things he probably had to do that would have gone against his nature, just to survive. Not knowing if anyone on the outside even knew of his plight...if help was even coming.

He likened Chin's experience to Iraq and Afghanistan...of being dropped behind enemy lines...knowing that to be caught, to be recognized as American, meant certain death...or worse; and he wondered what Chin's "or worse" had been this day.

He gave himself a shake, 'No, they got Chin out...he may be a little worse for wear, but they got him out...he would be alright; he had to be alright."

_**Danny-**_

It was just too much to process...Chin kidnapped, dumped in the cruel, harsh environment of a maximum security prison...with the very felons he had arrested.

He had to admit, he was never as grateful as he was today to have a highly trained Navy SEAL in his corner. Steve's determination and laser focus in the planning and execution of Chin's rescue...it was both terrifying and exhilarating: that there were hundreds of rioting and dangerous felons between him and his friend did not seem a worthy consideration to the commander, and that left Danny to truly contemplate just what exactly Steve had gone through in his time as a Navy SEAL...when the dangers of entering a rioting prison didn't register with the man.

But for Danny William's what was even worse was that they didn't know...his team didn't know that Chin was in danger. For nearly twelve hours Chin had to go it alone, without his team at his back. Only because his doctor had alerted them to Chin's missed appointment did they even begin to suspect their friend was in some kind of trouble? And that was the kicker...they didn't know, didn't know their friend's pain was so overwhelming he chose to speak to an outsider (albeit an outsider that was a doctor).

Then a new feeling washed over him...one he knew he had no right to feel, but there it was all the same...indignation. It was just like the reserved and reticent man to keep his pain to himself, not wanting his friends to see his grief and turmoil; after all they had witnessed firsthand how closely Chin guarded his personal life...his choices, with the whole convoluted debacle involving the money stolen from the forfeiture locker.

He let just a little bit of righteous anger slip into the hurt...feeling somehow insulted that the man he had worked with for almost three years, who called them ohana as well as his team, would think that they would see him as weak in his grief for his murdered wife. Danny had shown his team his trust...had made no qualms about showing then his fear and relief during Graces kidnapping...he knew Chin didn't think of him as weak...so why couldn't the man have trusted them to show them his grief...to let them offer their support?

He hoped he would get the chance to ask his friend just that. As he again looked down at his unconscious friend he could feel tears burning in his eyes, refusing to let them fall.

'God, it was close...to damn close...' and as he looked towards his unconscious and bleeding friend he had to wonder if they had made it on time. Despite Alanine's efforts, Chin's stab wound was still bleeding freely, and it was likely that the beating had given the man a concussion, not to mention the after effects of the drugs used to subdue the man to get him in the prison to begin with.

Danny knew the fear he felt going into that riot filled prison well-armed with super-SEAL at his back...Chin had been alone...trapped, and Danny couldn't help the shiver that coursed through his body at the thought.

_**KONO-**_

Her eyes never leaving her cousins face, Kono kept repeating the litany in her head, 'He's gonna be alright, we got to him in time...he's gonna be alright; he's got to be alright..."

Then her eyes would involuntarily fasten onto the growing red stain on the orange jumpsuit...she decided she really hated the colors red and orange and couldn't wait to get her cousin out of that offensive jumpsuit...

'But he's not alright, not by a longshot,' her subconscious chastised, 'he's been alone and in pain...dealing with Malia's death all on his own...and you didn't help him...didn't see it...what kind of cousin does that make you..."

The accusing thoughts went round and round in her head. How could they...how could she have not seen it...the others, Danny and Steve, it was understandable that they missed it—they didn't know Chin like she did and they respected her cousins fierce privacy. But she was different...she was family, she should have seen his pain, should have known he was having difficulties adjusting.

But she let herself believe him when he said he was fine...was coping...coping so well that it was a stranger...a therapist that had to inform her, and the team, that Chin was in trouble. And before they had discovered it was related to Delano, she had to wonder at the doctor's willingness to break her patient's confidentiality by coming to them...did the doctor think Chin was in trouble, that he was perhaps a danger to himself.

That thought sent cold chills through her body...that her cousin could be even remotely considering, in his grief, something as drastic as hurting himself; the thought terrified her.

Running a gentle hand over his sweating brow she vowed 'not anymore'; Chin would not hide his pain from her. She would not let him sink so low in his despair that he would actually act on any self-destructive thoughts. But first, first he just had to survive...

For a brief moment the team's eyes met in silent support before each again became lost in their own thoughts and worry.

Her eyes refocusing on her cousin's face, Kono again began repeating the litany in her head, 'He's gonna be alright, we got to him in time...he's gonna be alright; he's got to be alright..."

**/././././ HAWAII 5-0 /././././**

a/n: hope it didn't suck...wrote it in like five hours...just had to get it down before it got lost in the writer's block I'm experiencing with my other stories.


	2. Chapter 2

**Pain, Love & Ohana**

**Chapter 2**

a/n: while some may think it is a moot point or non-issue that the therapist came to 5-0 about Chin's missed apt—I can assure you, that despite the fact it saved his life...breaking a patients confidentiality, esp. in the mental health profession, is a serious breach of protocol with today's HIPPA privacy laws...I should know—teachers are bound by similar laws, and my husband has worked in the insurance field for 20 years...which is probably why this story/chapter came to me...

**...Hawaii 5-0...**

Dr. Palmer stood in the doorway of her patients room and quietly observed the man she had been treating for the last few months...wondering if she even had the right to call him her patient anymore—to even be here.

If he didn't want her as his therapist anymore she would accept that...try to find him someone else he would be comfortable with...that he could trust.

Despite her personal misgivings and uncertainty, the Lt. was her patient, and she had a responsibility to follow up; especially in light of the new insight she had been given over the last several days. She couldn't help a brief smile as she recalled the new visitors to her office over the last several days; felt a sense of relief and hope at the outpouring of concern and love, the willingness to do whatever it took to help the man in the hospital bed.

Giving a quiet sight, she tapped lightly on the door frame, drawing the man from his absent gaze out window, "Chin...how are you doing?"

She couldn't help feeling a small amount of relief at seeing his gentle, but tired, smile as he sat up straighter, "Dr. Palmer...come in..."

"I came to see how you were feeling...see what I could do to help...," Dr. Palmer asked tentatively as she came into the room and stood at the end of the bed.

"Doc's say I'm healing fine...should get out of here tomorrow..." he replied flatly, as he raised an arm a few inches off the bed to give a slight wave to indicate the room.

Dr. Palmer noted that Chin looked anywhere but at her, and she had to wonder at the irreparable harm to his 'mental' recovery this latest upheaval in his life was causing.

"That is good news..." the woman replied evenly, despite her growing concern.

Her experience with the man over the last several months taught her that while the man felt all things deeply...hate, love, fear; he kept those feelings tightly controlled—it had taken her weeks to peel back the layers, to see past the calm façade to the raging emotions he kept tightly guarded. So while she was, at this point, somewhat experienced in Chin Ho Kelley speak...had learned to note the subtle differences in his tone and expression, that clued her in to what he wasn't saying aloud during their sessions; she was concerned by the truly flat affect she was currently witnessing.

"Chin...we...we, really need to talk," Dr. Palmer stated.

Chin let his head fall back against his pillow as he gave a sigh, "...I'm really not up for a session right now, doc..."

"It's not about Malia...or about what has happened over the last several days," Dr. Palmer said, quickly amending when Chin raised his head and looked at her in surprise, "...I mean, yes, do I think you need to talk about it-eventually, when you've had a chance to process it..."

She paused for a moment as she watched the subtle tension drain from her patient's body before continuing, "I'm just not sure it can be with me..."

He quirked his head and looked at her in confusion, "...not with you? I don't understand...you're dropping me as a patient..."

She could hear the uncertainty in his voice, the questioning...even perhaps a bit of betrayal and she berated herself for not realizing he might misunderstand her intent.

"Chin...no, Chin, I'm not dropping you as a patient; I feel we've made some real progress...but..." she started to quickly explain only to be cut off by the man.

"Then why...?" he asked tightly.

"Because of what I did...because I breached the rapport and trust we had built that is so important in a patient's recovery..." she explained, "I can't treat a patient if they can't trust me to keep their confidences..."

"I don't understand...I do trust you..." Chin said in confusion.

"Chin...despite my worry...and without any proof of my misgivings when you missed out appointment...I went to your boss—your team..." Dr. Palmer said.

Chin snorted and shook his head, "I can hardly fault you on that one doc...it probably saved my life..."

"Yes...and I'm grateful that I could help...and if given the choice, I'd do it again..." the woman said, though Chin heard uncertainty in her voice.

"Then I don't understand...why do you think you did something wrong..." Chin asked.

"Chin I not only did something unethical—breaking a sacred trust between doctor and patient...I broke HIPPA laws..." she explained.

"To save my life..." he shot back.

Dr. Palmer sighed, knowing Chin didn't see the ramifications of her actions...

"Okay, let's try a different track..." she began to explain, "...suppose _you had_ really decided to go to the north shore for a few days to think and be alone with your thoughts and I went to your boss with my concerns and they had come in all guns blazing...how would you have felt...how have you felt all these months; how much effort have you gone through to make sure your boss, your team, didn't find out you were seeing a counselor...despite my assurances to the contrary."

He furrowed his brow in thought; he hadn't thought of it that way—just so relieved someone knew something was amiss...that someone missed him. Then he scoffed to himself...'and whose fault is that...really...no one's but his own for keeping it from his team...his family...'

He realized then that he had set his team up to feel the same loss, the same anger, the same guilt; that he himself had been dealing with, alone, all these months.

Chin knew his team well enough to know, that if he had not survived his ordeal inside the prison, his team would have blamed themselves for not knowing something he had taken great pains to keep from them...for not finding him in time; and he knew they had no reason to suspect anything amiss because he had lied to them, lied to himself all these months.

No, it wasn't the doctor who was at fault...nor his team; it was himself, his uncertainties and feelings of anger at his inadequacies for failing to protect his wife and cousin, for playing into Delano's game...for not trusting his team—his ohana, to have his back.

He slowly nodded his head, finally saying, "...you know doc, your right..."

Saddened by his decision, but knowing she deserved no less, despite the outcome, Dr. Palmer nodded slowly, "if you'll allow me...I can recommend a few good therapists to continue your treatment..."

"No..." Chin stated.

"No...?" the doctor questioned, "please, Chin...you've made a lot of progress the last few months; don't give up on counseling because of me..."

Chin shook his head, "No, I'm not giving up...and I don't want another therapist...I want you if you'll keep me..."

"Are you sure...it would be detrimental to your progress if it is always in the back of your mind that I might again 'betray' your confidences..." the doctor asked slowly.

"There won't be any 'confidences' to betray doc...cause, you were right, I should have told them...should have trusted my team..." Chin stated.

"Meaning what exactly..." Dr. Palmer pressed gently.

"Meaning, I need to talk to them...tell them what's been going on with me these last few months," Chin replied, "I need to trust them..."

Dr. Palmer smiled, "I think that is a wonderful idea..."

**...HAWAII 5-0...**

a/n: so, I have some ideas floating around in my head about how the "conversations" might go between Chin and his team mates...just trying to decide if they should do it as a group or separately (I'm kinda leaning towards separately).


	3. Chapter 3

**Pain, Love & Ohana**

**Chapter 3, "Steve"**

a/n: okay, not a licensed psychiatrist so if the therapy sessions are a little off—deal, it's a work of fiction! I'm just basing it on what I've experienced with my own kids & the multitude of mental health professionals I've had to deal with over the last fifteen years!

a/n: now, I hope I can pull this off and the characters won't seem too OOC...I'm trying to get two uptight, reticent men to open up in a psychiatrist's office... 'nough beeon more m on more thansaid!

**...Hawaii 5-0...**

Dr. Palmer noted, on her visits to her patient and the several discussions she had had in private with the individual members of the team, that the concerns hanging over the 5-0 team for the entire week that Chin was in the hospital were starting to put a stain on all of them...clearly recognizing the "A" personality types that made up the 5-0 team she knew they showed remarkable restraint in not confronting the injured man: but that was set to change shortly, as Chin was due to be released from the hospital the following morning.

"So, have you decided who you want to speak with first," Dr. Palmer asked.

Giving a heavy sigh, Chin replied, "Honestly, no...but, I need to start somewhere..."

"Well...then how about answering this question...do you want to tackle this on a personal or a professional level first...?" Dr. Palmer asked.

Chin raised his brow, slowly shaking his head, "they're my co-workers, but they are also my friends...I don't know if I can separate it like that..."

"Well, you have to have the mandatory three sessions to be recertified for the field, so let's go with professional and see what happens..." Dr. Palmer suggested.

Chin was thoughtful for a moment before slowly nodding his head, "Good a place as any to start...that means I should talk to Ste...Commander McGarrett first then..."

"So when do you want to set up that appointment...the longer you put this off the harder it will be..." the woman prodded her patient gently.

"I guess whenever Steve can make it," Chin shrugged, "if he'll even come..."

"Why would you think he wouldn't come...?" the doctor asked curiously, "...isn't Commander McGarrett your friend...I thought you two had a history...?"

One of the things she had been digging for in his months with her was her patients reasoning, to find to the root of why this caring, compassionate man lying in that bed insisted on keeping everything locked inside-that he couldn't reach out and rely on those he considered friend. She knew for a fact that Chin's fears were unfounded: had already spoken to Commander McGarrett on more than one occasion over the past week and knew of the commander's strong need to do whatever it took to help his friend.

"He's a good friend...it's just...he's not a real open and sharing kinda guy, plays things close to the vest..." Chin explained with a shrug.

Silently agreeing with the police Lt., after seeing the Commander skillfully sidestep around any issue that got too close to his own walls; she none the less knew that to help his friend, the commander would face his own demons if it helped Chin face his.

Still sensing Chin's reluctance, Dr. Palmer quirked an eyebrow at her patient, "Seems like a familiar trait of this team...maybe it just takes one person brave enough to take the first step, be the first person to open up...you'd be surprised what people are willing to share when they feel safe...so, I guess before you proceed you need to ask yourself if you feel safe enough with these people, your team, to open up to them..."

Chin looked up at the doctor sharply, "they're like family to me...I trust them with my life..."

"But-do you trust them with your soul—with what makes you-you...?" Palmer countered.

Chin furrowed his brow, his lips pressed in a thin line as he considered the doctors words...it was one thing to say he was going to talk to his team, it was another to actually go through with it.

Taking Chin's phone off the side table, Dr. Palmer held it out to him, "You won't know until you ask..."

Chin stared at his phone in the woman's outstretched hand, making no move to take it.

Giving it a small wave, Palmer asked pointedly, "Are you afraid he'll say no...or, is it you're more afraid the Commander will say yes...?"

Meeting the doctor's eye for a moment, Chin gave another heavy sigh and slowly reached for the phone.

**...hawaii 5-0...**

Chin couldn't help the surprise he felt when Steve not only readily agreed, but wanted the appointment set up as soon as possible; and if Chin were to really think about the conversation he would almost say he heard relief in Steve's voice: but then, Steve was all about 'taking the bull by the horns'—facing things head on. Maybe his team was feeling as off balance as he was; and that thought alone made Chin more determined to get things out in the open with his team.

The doctor watched a thoughtful look cross her patients face as he ended the call and dropped his hands in his lap, "Everything all right?"

"Yeah, sure...uh...tomorrow, at 3—since I already had an appointment scheduled..." Chin asked.

Nodding, Palmer agreed, "tomorrow at three it is..."

**...hawaii 5-0...**

Chin stepped out of the taxi in front of the building that housed Dr. Palmer's office, scanning the area and noting Steve's blue truck in the parking lot across the street; somehow surprised, yet not, that the Navy SEAL would not only show up, but show up early—no doubt to scout the perimeter, secure his position or any of that other military mind-set that Steve functioned in.

As he rode the elevator to the fourth floor he grew tenser, and when the doors parted on his floor he merely stood staring down the long hallway, reluctant to leave the elevator.

"Sir...sir..." a voice startled him out of his reverie.

"Huh...oh, sorry..."

"Is this your floor...are you alright..." the woman asked.

"Oh, yeah, fine..." he answered quickly, practically jumping from the elevator.

The woman stared at him a moment more, before releasing the door button and allowing the doors to close.

Chin watched the elevator doors close; shaking his head and running a hand through his short hair, telling himself sternly, 'get a hold of yourself, Chin Ho Kelley...you're just going to talk to a friend...' then he shrugged and rolled his eyes, 'yeah, right...you're going to talk to your friend-your old partners son and now your boss...in a psychiatrists office..._nothing at all_ uncomfortable about that, after all..."

He was just turning to face the walk down the hallway when the door at the end of the hall opened and none other than Steve McGarrett stepped into the hallway, "Chin, there you are buddy...you're late..."

Chin looked at his watch and just shook his head in quiet exasperation, six minutes past three...but to the military man it might has well been six hours.

Walking up the hallway, Chin just smirked, "It's barely five after Steve...I had to call a cab—doc won't let me drive yet..."

"What...a cab...I coulda' picked you up," Steve exclaimed, "Kono could have dropped you off; I thought she picked you up at the hospital?"

"She did...and I told her I wanted to rest this afternoon...she thinks I'm home sleeping..." Chin explained, stopping in front of the man, giving his friend the first honest answer in months, "I really didn't feel up to getting into all this with her _**and**_with you today..."

With a small nod Steve took the admission without comment, and stepped aside and let Chin enter the office first.

The police Lt. noted the empty waiting room and quirked a brow.

"Doc cleared her schedule for the rest of the day..." Steve commented.

With a sigh, Chin rubbed at the back of his neck and muttered uncomfortably, "is that a good thing or a bad thing that she thinks we might need the rest of the afternoon..."

Chin felt a hand on his shoulder and looked up into the determined face of his friend, "Whatever it takes...whatever you need Chin, you got it; from me, from Danny, from Kono...we're ohana, brah...don't forget that..."

Patting the hand resting on his shoulder, Chin gave a small smile, "I know that now, brah...and I'm sorry..."

A surprised look crossed Steve's face, "sorry...sorry for what...?"

"Gentlemen..." a voice interrupted, before Chin could answer Steve's query, "perhaps this conversation would be better had in my office and not in the middle of my waiting room..."

Unbeknownst to either man the inner office door had opened and Dr. Palmer stood in the doorway quietly watching the exchange between the two men, impressed that they needed little prompting to begin to get things out in the open; seeming to start without her...

"Hey doc...found him..." Steve commented, as he turned Chin around and rested his hands on the man's shoulders, gently propelling him into the doctor's office.

Chin just shook his head, "I wasn't lost..."

If the two men took a little longer than was really necessary to settle into seats in her office, Dr. Palmer chose not to openly acknowledge it—rather watching where they chose to sit.

She noted that Chin walked right in and took his usual seat, while the commander stood just inside the doorway, doing a quick 'perimeter' sweep with his eyes before settling in a chair next to Chin in a show of silent support.

"So Chin, how are you feeling today...you were discharged...?" the doctor commented, looking to the man for confirmation.

"Doc's let me out about ten thirty this morning...have another week of bed rest then another of restricted duty," Chin stated, turning to Steve he continued, "...before I'm cleared for...active duty?"

Hearing Chin's questioning tone, Steve looked at him in confusion, asking, "Is there some reason you wouldn't be cleared for duty? Is something wrong?"

Steve then looked towards the doctor, his tone accusing, "Is there some reason he won't be cleared for duty?"

"Not from my end..." Dr. Palmer said with a slight shake of her head, asking her patient, "...did your doctor say something, Chin?"

"No, everything is healing fine..." Chin stated.

"Then what's the problem...doc's say you're good to go..." Steve asked impatiently.

"I'm the problem..." Chin finally said with a sigh.

"You...?" Steve questioned, turning to look at his friend, "Chin, buddy, I don't understand what's going on with you...but I want to help; but you gotta help me out here...I don't know what I need to do to fix this?"

Chin just shook his head sadly, "It's not something you can _**fix**_, Steve..."

"Then **how** _can _I help...what do you need from us..." Steve asked, adding reticently, "why didn't you tell us you were having such a rough time of it these past few months?"

Shooting the doctor a slightly apologetic look, Steve asked pointedly, "Why didn't you come to _**us**__**—'we're your family'**_; we'd do anything to help you out buddy—all you had to do was say something. You could have asked us for anything..."

Chin's brow furrowed and he sighed deeply, looking towards Dr. Palmer who simply nodded, "Chin, the whole point is to get it out in the open...tell, the commander what you told me..."

"What...?" Steve demanded, looking between this friend and the doctor.

Chin pulled in and released a deep breath, running his hands down his thighs before meeting his friend's open, concerned face, "You didn't..."

"I didn't...I didn't what...?" Steve asked in confusion.

Turning away from the confusion in his friends face, Chin got up from his chair and walked to the window, looking out past the buildings to the ocean several blocks over, finding some small solace in the crashing waves.

Steve looked between his reticent friend and the doctor, growing more impatient and concerned as the silence dragged on in the room.

Sitting up straighter in his chair, and leaning forward, he asked, "Chin...what is it; what _**didn't **_I do...?"

Turning to meet his friends worried scowl, Chin intoned quietly, "You didn't lose it...you; when John was-murdered...you did what had to be done...you were so focused on finding your dad's killer...finding Hess...moving on..."

Steve just shook his head, "Oh, Chin, buddy...please don't compare yourself to the messed up way I handled my dad's case...just ask Danno, I was a loose cannon..."

"All those months, I kept waiting for you to say something...to come to me, let me help you through John's death..." Chin just turned away, shaking his head, "...maybe it was just me that needed to put the past to rest...I don't know. But, then so much happened...life kept going...the need to talk pushed further and further back..."

Now it was Steve's turn to look away, "it had been so long...I didn't think...I mean, finding Hess, finding out about Wo Fat...there was so much to do...I didn't think, didn't want to...so much time had passed—I wasn't that confused, angry sixteen year old anymore...I didn't think I could..."

Settling his gaze on his friend, and quirking an eyebrow, Chin intoned thoughtfully, "...could what, Steve...'burden' your team...talk to your team—to me?"

Steve just shrugged sheepishly as Chin continued quietly, "And then the case with Delano...it was over...we caught him, but for me it just wasn't enough..._**I**_ just couldn't move on..." _'like you did'..._ left unspoken but understood.

Before Steve could comment, Chin continued with a shake of his head, "...and there was still so much going on...with your mom...Danny and Gracie, even Kono still seeing Adam...and with Wo Fat still being out there; and you...the team, we just needed to kept going forward..."

Steve looked up at his friend, "Chin...that didn't make what you were going through...what you were feeling, any less real, any less important to us..."

Chin nodded absently and after another moment continued in his usual dulcet and quiet tone, "This team...this task force, it means everything to me Steve. The chance it gave me...that_** you**_ gave me; to get back into police work...: you hadn't been back to the island in years...had no idea what had gone down at HPD...and you didn't care..."

Seeing Steve about to protest, Chin held up a staying hand, "that's not how I meant it. I meant that you believed me...you extended your trust to me on my word alone...on our history...it had been a long time since anyone had trusted me...I couldn't let down that kind of trust and commitment to the team..."

Looking at the doctor in confusion, then looking towards Chin, Steve commented, "Chin, buddy, I'm still not following you here...I trust you, I've _**always**_ trusted you...my dad trusted you...the team trusts you..."

Suddenly angry, Chin whirled on his friend, "Well, you shouldn't...I'm weak...everything I do; everyone around me—I fail them somehow..."

Steve sat, shocked by the vehemence behind his friend's words, in all the years he had known the man; he had never heard...or seen, such strong emotion come from the Hawaiian. He continued to stare as Chin began to pace angrily.

"Your dad...Auntie...Uncle...getting caught by Hess; and my Malia..._Malia's dead, _and Kono; I can't even begin to wrap my head around nearly getting my baby cousin killed—god, if it hadn't been for Adam..." Chin continued to rage.

Steve finally snapped out of his stunned silence, jumping up to block Chin's pacing and grabbing the man by the shoulders, "Chin you handled things the best you could...the best anyone could; you never thought about the consequences to yourself...it was always what was best for your family..."

"Really...I don't think so, not anymore. You...despite everything, you brought Hess in...Wo Fat: but I killed him Steve...he wasn't fleeing, he was down...his weapon wasn't pointing at me...I murdered a man in cold blood..." the outburst left the older man breathless and weak, and he fell out of Steve's grasp and into a nearby chair, totally spent.

Dr. Palmer sat back quietly, this was a critical moment for her patient...maybe even for the commander himself...Chin needed to know he had Steve's trust...both on a personal, as well as a professional level: and on some level, the commander needed the same assurances from his old friend.

Steve eyed his friend critically for a moment, and Dr. Palmer could almost see the struggle behind the commander's eyes as he struggled to pull thoughts and words together that would help his friend.

Steve stooped down in front of his friend, "Chin...buddy...my time with the SEALS-I've...I've had to do a lot of things...a lot of things I'm not proud of. Things that give me nightmares, even now; and I've...I've killed men...half of them I have no idea why...except that it was my orders...those men—those targets, meant nothing to me...I had no idea who they were...if they had families..."

Chin looked up to meet his friend's haunted gaze, reaching out to rest a comforting hand on the younger man's shoulder, "Steve..."

Steve shook his head and intoned solemnly, "...but one kill I know was justified...it was Delano...everything he did...and after what his brother did...they proved they would have just kept coming...so that moment, despite the circumstance of those few seconds-was self-defense..."

Standing now, Steve waved his hands wide, "You my friend are the most honorable man I have ever met...everything you do, you do for your ohana...personal consequences be damned...and never, ever think that anything that is going on with you isn't important to us..."

Running a hand through his short cropped hair, "...when we found out you were missing...that Delano was involved...Chin, the thought that we wouldn't get to you in time..."

"I'm sorry Steve..." Chin intoned quietly.

"Don't be sorry...just remember, we're ohana...and no matter what is going on with anyone on the team, you can always come to us..._with anything_..." Steve said pointedly.

Dr. Palmer eyed the two men with a critical eye as the two men traded quiet looks with one and other, both looking beyond exhausted by the outpouring of pent up emotion.

After another quiet moment, she asked quietly, "Gentlemen...?"

The two men traded another look; Steve's uncertain and pensive while Chin's was reserved and thoughtful.

Steve smiled unabashedly as Chin nodded slowly toward the younger man.

Chin stood and faced the younger man he had known since the boy was a teen and smiled, "and just so you remember, Steven McGarrett...ohana is a two way street, brah..."

**/./././ HAWAII 5-0 /./././**

a/n: damn, that was hard...no doubt Danny's will be harder, so it will be awhile...


	4. Chapter 4

**Pain, Love & Ohana**

**Ch 4 - "Danny" **

a/n: now, I don't know how on the mark I am with this, but I think Steve would be more comfortable around psychiatrists than Danny 'cause can you image how many psyche tests they have to take in the military...esp, to get in and stay in all these specialized units...and while Steve is not a 'caring & sharing' personality type, he is a "take the bull by the horns and face/fix the problem...or at least share enough to satisfy the doc so he could get back to his unit _**/whereas/ **_ol' Danny wouldn't trust anyone poking around in his head...and would probably be uncomfortable after, I image, having gone through 911 and the aftermath/mandatory counseling.

…**..Hawaii 5-0...**

Surprisingly it was less than a week later that Chin found himself back in Dr. Palmer's office...this time with Danny, who was decidedly more uncomfortable than Steve had been in the presence of the psychiatrist.

"I'm sure you have seen departmental psychiatrists before in your time with the police department, Detective Williams..." Dr. Palmer commented.

"Yeah, been in the shrink's office a few times in Jersey..." Danny commented as he squirmed slightly in his seat, his eyes darting around the room.

Chin couldn't help but smile, "She's harmless Danny..."

Danny just snorted and shook his head.

"Steve survived...I'm sure you will too," Chin teased gently, giving a quick look towards the doctor.

"Survived...I'm sure Super-SEAL swooped in like it was some kind of tactical raid...tossed a few grenades and called it a day..." Danny snarked.

Chin just rolled his eyes and snorted at Danny's mini-rant while the doctor shot her patient a quick, raised eye-brow look, commenting carefully to the detective, "Commander McGarrett was very cooperative and understanding during our session."

"Uh, doc, don't even try to understand the dynamic of the Danno-McGarrett partnership-we just accept that it works and move on..." Chin commented with a slight chuckle, "and since they haven't killed each other yet..."

"Not for lack of trying on that crazy SEALS part...man got me shot the first day I knew him and he's been trying to get me killed ever since..." Danny continued to rant.

"Maybe I don't have the right pair in this office..." the doctor commented hesitantly.

"No, doc, I understand McGarrett just fine-the man's a lunatic..." Danny said with a wave of his hands.

"Okay then...can we get back to why we're here today..." Dr. Palmer asked.

Danny straightened up in his seat and cleared his throat, suddenly reticent, "yeah...sure..."

When neither man made a move to speak, Dr. Palmer prodded, "So...anything anyone wants to say...maybe, why any of us feel like we need to be here...?"

Never one to mince his words or turn down the invitation to extoll his opinions, Danny fixed his gaze on his co-worker, "yeah, like why someone who claims we're a team...this 'ohana'... doesn't seem to trust us..."

With a sigh, Chin said quietly, "Danny, I do trust you..."

"Yeah, you got a hell of a way of showing it..." Danny snapped back, suddenly angry, he jumped from his seat and began pacing the room, "_**we didn't know**_...you almost died, Chin, and we didn't know! That text Delano sent—we bought it...we believed you when you said you were fine all these months...accepted the Chin Ho Kelley school of 'fine': which ranks right up there, apparently, with the Steven McGarrett one..._and you damn near died_..."

Danny's rant had reached a pinnacle and the detective had to take a deep breath to calm down.

Seeing his friend's anger for what it was...fear; Chin lowered his head in shame, knowing he put his friends through hell that day as they tried to piece together his disappearance and later his rescue from Halawa.

Seeing Chin's head lower, Danny's anger deflated and he sighed heavily, his voice cracking with emotion as he continued more calmly, "Chin. Buddy...you scared the hell out of us. When we found out what Delano had done...we didn't know if you were dead...wouldn't have known there was even a problem if it hadn't been for the doc here...even Kono didn't suspect anything..."

"I'm sorry Danny, I really am," Chin said earnestly, "I just...I was my problem...I just thought..."

"Thought what, that we wouldn't care..." Danny asked, then added, "...that because you needed more time to grieve we somehow would see you as weak...I have to ask you buddy...do you really see me as weak?"

Chin looked at Danny, uncertainty clear in his expression, "Weak? Why would you ask that Danny...I don't see you as weak...surely your not comparing yourself to what Steve is capable...he makes us all look like girl scouts..."

Danny snorted an shook his head, "Doesn't have anything to do with our resident crazy SEAL...I'm talking about me...I'm not Mr. Reticent...I've been know to be upset...scared out of my mind a time or two...and not particularly afraid to let anyone know it..."

Chin nodded, "you've been going through so much yourself the last few months...with the custody hearings and all...and I just didn't think you needed anything more to add to it..."

"And _my friends_ have been with me all way..." Danny countered, "you think because of my custody issues or Steve's issues with his mom or anything else that might he going on, that it somehow makes your issues—your grief, any less important...you're wrong! Chin, you're always there for anyone when they need it...didn't you learn anything from all that drama last year with your uncle and the money...you can't keep puttin' everyone else's needs before your own. It's not healthy...right doc...?" Danny asked, turning towards Dr. Palmer.

"Very true...there has to be a balance..." the woman replied.

"...and no matter what is going on with anyone on the team, you can always come to us.._._with anything..." Danny said earnestly.

Chin nodded slowly, heartened by the words and silently amused at how Danny's words so nearly echoed the sentiments spoken by Steve less than a week prior. Sending a look towards the doctor, he noted from her equally amused expression that she was perhaps thinking along similar lines.

Clasping Danny's shoulder, Chin said, "I'm sorry Danny, I really am...I never intended to cause anyone to worry...put anyone through that..."

Patting the hand resting on his shoulder, Danny gave a smirk, "family never does...but we put up with them anyway..._bad habits and all._.." Danny then gave a heavy sigh and added with a much put upon tone, "...which I'm sure you'll run right out and change about as quick as our crazy leader will..."

Grinning, Chin removed his hand from Danny's shoulder only to give a slap to the back, as he looked over towards the doctor, "...yeah, probably about as quickly as Jersey here drops all of his..."

"What...wait...what bad habits..." Danny sputtered, "I don't have any bad habits..."

"Sure, brah...whatever you say," Chin said, giving Danny another back slap as he gave the doctor a quick wink, "how 'bout some malsada's...my treat..."

…**..HAWAII 5-0...**

a/n: not quite as 'emotional as the **chin/steve** chapter...but they had different issues...& I can't remember the name/spelling of that desert they are always going on about...how do you spell it ?


End file.
